Hydro Frez: The missions have been assigned and the cache is in place! I can see the ending!

Tempest: It's time for, a DEATH BATTLE!

---
Random Secret Mountain Base



Inside the sleek silver hallways, a man in a blue suit with a white ruffled collar slunk through undetected. Getting in had been easy enough, once he had found a secret tunnel into the base at least. Taking cover behind a corner as a group of armed security guards walked by, Austin Powers licked his lips and proceeded to stealthily sneak further into the base.

Turning a corner, the Man of Mystery spotted two guards walking ahead of him in the hallway, chatting about the latest sport results. Ducking behind the wall again, Austin grabbed a silver Walther PPK/S from inside the breast of his suit. 

"Okay Austin. You got this." The British sex symbol muttered to himself. "Infiltrating the secret base was a success, now all you have to do is remain undetected and grab the suitcase full of secrets and get out! Piece of cake!"

Nodding to himself after confirming this totally not plot setting information, Austin was just about to turn the corner when he had a gunshot followed by a strangled scream.

Quickly moving out from his cover, Austin saw the two guards from before, one of them slumped agains the wall with a bullet hole through his head while the other was laying flat on his stomach.

What was odd though, was that there was a third person among them. More specifically, a man in a red suit with a balaclava covering his face plucked his butterfly knife from the guard's back, wiped it clean on the guard's shirt and flipped it close.

"Oi!" Austin's yell caught the man's attention. Surprised, the RED Spy of Teufort turned around to face the British spy and immediately sneered.

"That blue suit! Did BLU send one of their men here to steal the intelligence too?" The Spy flipped his knife open again and took a fencing pose. "I'm sorry to disappoint you, but the intelligence is mine!"

Austin raised an eyebrow. The accent was snooty, but it was definitely French. "A French man eh? Well baby, you'll have to take a step back so that us British can liberate the secrets from their cage. Don't want any unfortunate mishaps m'kay?"

The Spy snorted and brandished his knife. "Try it, and I'll gut you like a cornish game hen!"

Watching his opposition wave the tiny knife a few times, Austin simply gave a wry grin.

"Groovy baby."

FIGHT!

The Spy immediately dashed forward, closing the distance between them. From what he could gather in their brief exchange, this mystery man, while bearing the colour blue, did not seem to be affiliated with the BLUE Team. With that in mind, combined with his bogus British accent and smashingly bad teeth, Spy decided to try a frontal approach. One quick cut to the neck, and au revoir Mr. Tea and Crumpets!

You can all see where this is going right?

While the Spy was fast, Austin proved faster, leaning back to avoid having his neck stabbed with a "WOAH!" and proceeded to grab onto Spy's suit and tackle him head on into the metal wall with a loud "OOMPH!"

The Spy slid down the wall, gasping and wheezing for breath while Austin giggled and ran off. "Sorry 'bout that Frenchie, but there are more important things in life for Austin Powers!"

The British agent quickly wandered off to look for the intelligence. Meanwhile, the Spy propped himself up on his elbows, gritting his teeth in anger. While his bruised ribs hurt, his pride hurt more.

"Austin Powers hmm?" The Spy quickly got up, picked up his knife and brought out a golden watch. Flipping it open, the Spy's entire body shifted away, turning invisible to the naked eye.

Back to our favourite sex symbol, Austin had just successfully walked past the guards break room, where every guard was coincidentally too busy drinking coffee to notice the auspicious man walking by the open door, nor his hand reaching in and grabbing a booklet located on the counter near the door.

Rounding a corner, Austin opened the booklet to reveal a map of the facility he was currently in. "Well, ain't this a lucky coincidence! Yeah!" Tracing a path on the map with his finger, Austin nodded in approval. Proceeding down the hallway, Austin turned a corner, whistling a little jimmy to himself as he waltzed right through the enemy base unimpeded.

It wasn't until a few minutes later that Austin realized that the base was surprisingly empty. Scratching his head, he continued to wander down the suspiciously empty corridors, passing by suspicious red splotches dotted here and there.

"Man, how often do these guys spill their ketchup? Is it hottie dog day or what?" Austin muttered as he passed by another puddle. Little did he know that the Spy had previously cleaned this particular area out.

Speaking of Spy, the assassin of Teufort was currently tailing Austin, keeping a professional 10 feet away while remaining hidden. After gauging his opponent's carefree walk and oddly catchy whistling, Spy scowled and quickly sneaked up right behind Austin until he was right on top of him. Disengaging his invisibility, Spy brought his arm up, ready to stab Austin in the back...

However, the loud noise coming from the Dead Ringer turning off its invisibility function alerted Austin, causing him to whip his elbow around right into Spy's chest, causing the Frenchman's knife to shift and only graze Austin's suit.

"Woah nelly! I thought I dealt with you already baby!" Austin yelled and tried to take a swing, but Spy retreated, nursing his aching ribcage. "A professional would've made sure I was dead!" Spy spat.

Austin shrugged. "Well I'm sorry baby, but that really just isn't my style." 

Taking out his Walther PPK/S pistol again, Austin squeezed the trigger. The Spy reacted swiftly however, batting away Austin's hand, the bullet hitting empty air, and grappled Austin's limb into an arm lock. Without a moment's pause, a swift karate chop landed on Austin's neck, a loud crack filling the air.

Strangely enough though, it was the Spy who recoiled, clutching his throbbing hand while Austin rubbed his aching neck. "OW! That REALLY hurt! Like seriously! Who goes straight for the neck? Ouch!"

Spy grimaced as tried to hold in his groan of annoyance. Trying to take this man out in one hit would be harder then he thought, since trying to hit him was like punching solid rock.

Austin rolled his neck around to ease the stiffness. "By the way, as long as we're fighting each other, I never caught your name." 

Spy snorted at Austin's request. "Ha! Only a fool would tell the enemy his name!"

Tilting his head, Austin quizzically narrowed his brow before replying. "It's just common courtesy baby."

Shaking his head dismissively, Spy adjusted his tie. "Feh! Not in the world of assassins!" Cracking his knuckles, Spy made a 'Come at me' gesture. "Now come! Let us settle this like gentlemen!"

Grinning, Austin put his own dukes up. "Now that's more like it! Yeah baby! Yeah!"



The two slowly began to circle each other, fists raised and guarded. That is, until Austin brought both hands up, lifted one knee to his chest, yelled out some indecipherable gibberish like a wannabe kung fu person, and promptly planted the sole of his shoe into Spy's chin.

The sudden blow caught the Frenchman off guard, sending him reeling back and allowing Austin the time to pick up a conveniently laid frying pan on the floor. Spy barely had time to duck as Austin swung the cooking tool at his head and proceeded land a quick sucker punch to the man's gut. While it felt like punching rock, it did the trick, causing Austin to double over. Spy immediately brought out his knife as Austin recovered and began slashing at the British man, succeeding in making several cuts across his blue suit, but failing to draw blood.

"WOAH! WOAH! HOLD IT!" 

Slight surprised, Spy stopped as Austin retreated a few steps back. "What is it now you imbecile?"

"I thought you said we'd be settling this like gentleman!" Austin exclaimed. "So why in the name of her majesty the queen did you take out a knife?"

Snickering, the Spy shook his finger dismissively at Austin. "Pah! That was obviously a lie to lure you into a false sense of security! Any professional spy would've known that!"

Austin scratched his chin. "Oh! So it wasn't because you're French then!"

Open hearing that remark, Spy's eyes narrowed. "And just WHAT do you mean by that?"

Flinching slightly at the Spy's angry glare, Austin stuttered. "Well you know, because French tend to surrender... because they're cowards, and then you did a cowardly move and... I'm sorry."

Spy rolled his eyes. "Mon Dieu..." Muttering under his breath, he attempted to stab Austin again. The British sex symbol quickly grabbed the Spy's arm however. Pulling the Spy in close, Austin swiftly positioned his leg behind Spy and pushed on the assassin's chest, causing him to trip over Austin's leg and land flat on his back.

"JUDO TRIP!"

Groaning, Spy opened his eyes just in time to see Austin sitting on his chest, fist raised and ready to crack some skulls. Scrambling with his hands, Spy dug the Dead Ringer out of his pocket and activated the invisibility function, just as Austin brought his arm down.

Austin yelped in surprise and pain when Spy went invisible, his knuckles hitting the hard ground instead. Taking advantage of the momentary surprise, the invisible Spy landed a solid right hook across Austin's cheek, knocking him away and off Spy. 

Shaking his head, Austin quickly got up, quickly glancing side to side for his transparent opponent when a surprise blow rattled his teeth. Flinching, Austin tried reaching out to grab at where he thought his opponent was, but a hard kick to his back sent him stumbling forward. Before he could regain his balance, Austin was picked up and thrown through a set of doors, landing painfully on his face with nary a trace of the Spy to be found other then an obnoxious snooty laugh.



Propping himself up on his elbows, Austin readjusted his glasses and took a good look around the room. For the most part, it was just your average office room, a bit larger then normal, but still relatively average by evil corporation standards. A desk along with a chair and several cabinets were placed a bit further in the room. What caught Austin's eye however, was a shiny silver briefcase hovering on the desk through unknown mechanics with the words "TOP SECRET" written in bright red letters on it.

To Austin's surprise however, said briefcase started floating away, almost as if someone invisible was holding it.

Needless to say, it didn't take a genius to put two and two together. Austin immediately tackled the Spy, knocking him out of his invisibility cloak and sending the TOP SECRET briefcase tumbling to the floor.

The two rolled around for a bit, grabbing each other's faces and slapping each other silly. At one point, Spy even had two of his fingers up Austin's nose only for Austin to bring his knee up and hit Spy in his cream puffs. Groaning, the French man retaliated by dropping his elbow into Austin's stomach, the force of which caused a cloud of gas to erupt from Austin's mouth in the form of a burp, one that smelled suspiciously like bangers and mash.

Finally, after a bit of grappling, Austin kicked Spy away, just as both of spies reached into the other's pockets to steal a bit of equipment.

"Ha HA!" Austin yelled triumphantly as he got back to his feet and held out the stolen equipment. "Now how are you going to fight without your..." Triumphant shit eating grin turned to confusion as Austin gave the square box a once over.  "Wait, what the doohickey is this?" 

Sneering, the Spy brushed his suit with one hand. "That you imbecile, is a Sapper, something that can only be used on machines! It's totally worthless here!" Laughing out loud, Spy slapped his knee before holding out the piece of equipment he stole from Austin. "On the other hand, how are YOU going to fight without your..."

There was a brief pause as Spy looked over what he stole.

"Swedish Made... Penis Enlarger... Pump."

An awkward silence settled into the room.

"That's um... not mine."

The Spy's eyes flicked up from staring at the Swedish Made Penis Enlarger Pump for a split second, staring right below Austin's belt before flicking back down again. "...Uh huh. Sure." Sighing to himself, Spy shook his head in annoyance. "Well then, let us forget this mishap ever hap-"

CLONK!

Before he could finish his sentence, stars erupted in Spy's vision as Austin swung the Sapper around and smacked Spy across the face with the metal box.

"Huh, what'd y'know? This thing does work pretty well on humans." Austin chuckled as Spy groaned. Suddenly, foam began to spew out from Spy's mouth, much to his and Austin's surprise. Startled, Spy quickly spat out the broken cyanide molar he kept in his mouth for emergency at Austin, who shrieked and raised the Sapper to block the incoming poisonous spit wad.

"Eew! Gross!" Austin tossed the Sapper away, leaving himself wide open for Spy to tackle him to the ground, snarling like a wild animal. The two tussled for a bit, which resulted in Spy getting behind Austin and wrapping the tubing of the Swedish Made Penis Enlarger around Austin's neck. Almost immediately, the British spy turned from blue to purple as his air supply was caught off. His consciousness swimming in the verge of black out, Austin summoned the power of his mojo, strengthening his arm for one last attack.

"JUDO... CHOP!"

With the last big of strength he could muster before fainting, Austin whipped his hand up to his head, smacking Spy directly in his smug French face. While it didn't knock the Spy out cold, it was strong enough to cause a yelp and his grip to loosen, allowing Austin to wiggle out from his grasp and breathe sweet succulent air into his lungs.

Glancing behind him to see the Spy nursing his broken nose, Austin eyes landed on the prize laying a few feet from the door. Grabbing the TOP SECRET briefcase, he booked it out the door before Spy could pull out his Ambassador, leaving the french assassin alone.

"...Oh merde." Spy muttered under his breath. Opening up the chamber on the Ambassador, Spy quickly checked over the bullets before activating the Dead Ringer's invisibility function and taking pursuit after the fellow with the bad teeth.

Rounding a corner, Spy caught a flash of blue in the corner of his eye. Staying invisible, he stealthily kept to the walls, following the sound of footprints until he found another set of doors. Above the doors, a sign that said "CONTROL ROOM" was lit up in neon green.

Opening the door, Spy peeked his head in to see the back of the blue suit Austin wore. The British man himself appeared to be looking over several control panels, as if pondering how to shut this place down.

Snickering to himself, Spy disengaged the Dead Ringer and quietly sneaked up on Austin. Flicking his knife out, he raised it into the air and brought it down, straight into the blue suit!

The man's dying scream filled the room as he collapsed face first onto the control panel. Pleased with himself, Spy plucked his knife out and wiped the blood off on the man's blue suit. Grabbing the man by one shoulder, Spy flipped him over to confirm his kill.





Wait, what?

Instead of a dead British man with bad teeth staring back at him, it was the chiseled handsome face of American actor and three time Golden Globe winner Tom Cruise!

And he was dead!

"...Whoops." Spy thought to himself, as he brought out his disguise kit and lit a cigarette, taking on Tom Cruise's appearance in a puff of smoke. Holstering the dead body over his shoulder, Spy dragged Tom Cruise over to a corner, out of sight and out of mind.

Taking care to avoid getting blood on his suit, Spy was just about to walk back out when who should walk through the doors but one Mr. Austin Powers.

"Woah! It's American Actor and three time Golden Globe winner Tom Cruise! What are you doing here?" Austin exclaimed as the Spy quickly hid his knife behind his back and tried to block the blood stains on the control panel with his body.

"Er... why yes! It is I! Tom Cruise!" Spy quickly glanced at Austin, his eyes falling upon the TOP SECRET briefcase tucked under his arm. Tugging on the collar of his suit, Spy gave a wry grin. "I was invited here to give a motivational speech to the henchmen to never give up on their dreams!" Hoping that Austin bought the bullcrap story, Spy flicked his knife around behind his back, ready to lunge out if Austin didn't buy it.

Scratching his chin, Austin shrugged. "Okay, seems legit. By the way, would you mind helping me get out of here? There's this weird man in a ski mask chasing me. I've just shimmied him off my tail, but he's one persistent fellow. I have a two o'clock appointment for a spot of tea after this mission, but I'm a bit lost at the moment and-"

The whole time Austin was rambling, Spy just silently nodded, pretending to listen, but ever so slowly inching his way closer to the British spy, tensing his arm and picturing himself jabbing his knife into Austin's throat.

Suddenly, Austin paused and raised an eyebrow. "Hey, wait a tick..."

Spy just leaned to the side as Austin brought out his pistol and fired, the bullet hitting his cigarette instead and disabling his disguise. In a puff of smoke, Tom Cruise was replaced by one shocked Spy.

"You're no Tom Cruise." Smirking, Austin blew out the smoke wafting from his gun. "You're a spy baby."

Snarling, Spy whipped out his Ambassador and pulled the trigger, aiming for a clean headshot. However, Austin raised the briefcase he was holding, blocking the bullet and causing it to ricochet into the ceiling. Growing frustrated, the Spy fired again, but the TOP SECRET briefcase worked surprisingly well as a bullet proof shield. In fact, there wasn't even a dent in it!

Scowling, Spy holstered his gun, took out his knife and lunged at Austin, grabbing the briefcase and attempting to pull it away while bringing the knife up, aiming for the jugular. He was a bit slow however, as Austin quickly leaned back, the knife just nicking a small chip on his chin. Austin then smashed his head into Spy's sending him reeling back. 

Clutching his head as the mother of all migraines settled in, Spy was left defenceless as Austin smacked him around with the TOP SECRET briefcase a couple of times, and finished off with an upwards swing that sent Spy careening into the air and crashing into the control panel, right on top of a suspiciously red button.



The moment the button was pushed down, alarms went off with enough flashing lights to give any ordinary person the seizure of a lifetime. Groggily getting up, Spy spat at Austin. "YOU FOOL! YOU'VE KILLED US ALL! BY MY MOTHER'S GRAVE I SHALL-"

"Yes yes, lovely story and all." Austin quickly cut off Spy before he could start ranting. "I'm sorry and all that, but this is my cue to leave. Pip pip, cheerio old chap!"

And just like that, Austin shot out the door, the TOP SECRET briefcase in hand.

Like any professional however, Spy wasn't one to be left behind, and was nipping at Austin's heels in seconds.

SELF DESTRUCT IN 60 SECS

The two bolted down corridors and hallways, rounding corners and scrambling up staircases. Spy stuck his leg out to trip Austin, letting the British sex symbol stumble and proceeded to grab the brief case out of his hands. Laughing snootily, Spy ran ahead, only for Austin to grab his shoulder and pull him back, smacking his forearm into the back of Spy's head for an improvised clothesline and take the briefcase back. Though he hit the ground running, Spy was up in a matter of seconds, sticking close to Austin's heels.

Explosions rang out through the facility as the two continued to run, exchanging the occasional scuffle as doors were blown off their hinges as they ran past. Scooping up a piece of debris, Spy tossed it Austin, nailing him in the back of the head and causing Austin to scream "BUGGER YOU!" back at Spy.

As the exit doors came into view, Austin glanced back to see Spy still hot on his trail. Wanting to be the one to keep ahold of the TOP SECRET briefcase, Austin brought out his gun and spun it around in his fingers. Amongst the explosions, he heard the Spy's footsteps getting closer. Once he felt the Frenchman right on top of him, Austin spun around and squeezed the trigger, scoring a direct hit on Spy's chest, causing him to gasp and attempt to fall back, a red stain spreading across his chest.

He wasn't given the chance though, as Austin pulled the trigger once again, the bullet splattering blood out the back of Spy's skull and sending him crashing to the ground unmoving. 

Knowing that there wasn't time to congratulate himself, Austin continued running towards the exit, the bright ray of sunshine of the outside world slowly growing smaller as the doors began to close shut.

If only he had taken a split second to look back, he would've seen the "corpse" of Spy disappear.

Quickly nearing the exit with time to spare, Austin started to cheer when unimaginable pain shot through his leg, causing him to fall face first into the metal floor, the briefcase sliding out of his grasp. Groaning, Austin quickly shook off the bullet hole in his leg and attempted to reach forward to grab the briefcase when his back muscles erupted into spasms, making him face plant into the floor once again.

Standing over top of him, the Spy flipped the Dead Ringer shut and yanked his knife out of Austin's back before running forward and scooping the briefcase off the ground. Running out the exit door, Spy turned around as Austin weakly raised his head.

"Austin Powers Man of Mystery?" Spy yelled triumphantly as Austin watched on helplessly. "More like, Man of HISTORY!"

And with that, the doors shut tight, leaving Austin to scream wordlessly as the secret base exploded, the last thing he heard having been the snooty laugh of a Frenchman.


---
Hydro Frez: Game! Set! And MATCH!

Tempest: While Austin has demonstrated superior physicality then the Spy, it was the Spy's skills and talents as an assassin that gave him the win.

Hydro Frez: Yes, Austin may be leagues stronger and tougher then the Spy, having survived a car bomb as a baby and all, Spy has dealt with his physical superior before and has come out on top one more then one occasion.

Tempest: In his "Meet The" trailer, the Spy was able to sneak attack both the Soldier and the Heavy at the same time. While that may not sound too impressive by gameplay standards, do keep in mind that both Soldier and Heavy are canonically able to wrestle bears and win.


Soldier neck snapping a bear while naked and covered in honey


Heavy performing a German Suplex on a bear

Hydro Frez: Heh, I'd like to see Austin try and fight one of those things.

Tempest: If Spy could take down both Soldier and Heavy at the same time in a sneak attack, there's no reason why he wouldn't be able to do the same to Austin. Even on the off chance he fails to kill Austin the first time, Spy can still fall back on his Invisibility and Disguises and while he's not meant for one on one fights, the Spy did manage to defeat both Sniper and Medic in CQC, so he's not totally helpless if Austin forced him into a face to face scenario.

Hydro Frez: What, Spy's disguises look really impractical you say? While... yeah, they kinda do. I mean, it's a paper mask and all.

Tempest: As stupid as they look, the Disguise Kit was able to fool not just Soldier and Heavy, but also the enemy Spy, which should prove its worth. Even though we may have given Austin more equipment, with Spy's more useful equipment and skill, Austin stood little chance in the long run.

Hydro Frez: Austin's chances at victory were just stabbed in the back!

Tempest: The winner, is the Spy!


The Spy
+Invisibility and Disguises
+Sneakier
+Far more ruthless and efficient killer
+Better skilled assassin and fighter
+More practical equipment
+Quite used to dealing with physically superior foes

Austin Powers
+Physically superior in every way
+Larger inventory of equipment
+Mojo baby
-Not really an effective killer
-No counters to Spy's invisibility
-Has never faced an opponent quite like Spy before

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NEXT TIME ON DEATH BATTLE!










Tempest: Uh... where's the next time picture?

Hydro Frez: OH SHIT! IT'S IN THE TOP SECRET BRIEFCASE I PUT IN THE FIGHT!

Tempest: You USED our next time pictures as a prop? Damnit man! Somebody catch that Spy!